not in control.

today was not one of those days where i felt like i could cry at any moment.
and i’m talking about one of those weeping, ugly, bawling, hard cries.

no, that was yesterday.
a little over two weeks since we’ve been out of hibernation
and L has caught his first cold. it’s not RSV
(but our pediatrician has warned me that it is going around again. yuck.).

i didn’t want to cry because he had a cold. it’s inevitable that he’ll be sick at some point or another. i wanted to cry because it is just so hard when he does have a little cold. those little colds are just so different for him. hearing his congested nose immediately took me back to the hospital stay in december. i was the one holding him when he got upset which turned into a breath-holding spell which turned into a marathon breath-holding spell which turned into being unconscious which turned into a code blue. i saw him silently cry and then wait too long to take a breath. and then when he tried, he just couldn’t.
but last night, he took a breath.
and for that i am thankful to God.

even though he doesn’t have low-immunity, since he was on the vent at birth, he is more susceptible to having respiratory issues. and when a cold hits him, it hits him hard.
when he’s sick, i get anxious.
i get anxious that i’ll have to do CPR on him.
i get anxious that we’ll have to go back into the hospital.
i get anxious that he’ll just stop breathing.
i get anxious that we’ll lose him.

but, the Bible is clear that i should not be anxious.
it is very clear.
the Bible tells us what we should do with that anxiousness.
and without that guidance, i don’t know how i would continue.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition,
with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7

yesterday was hard. after not sleeping nearly all night long, as i was too busy turning all of that anxiety into prayers, i was a mess. this is how much of a mess i was.
D watched two movies while i tried to sleep. but, it was one of those times where i felt like my heart and brain were in a race to see who could run the fastest.
i think it was a tie.
and, the first movie i let D watch was peter pan, which unfortunately was a bad choice because it has a lot of physical comedy in it. too much, perhaps.
which only means that D laughed furiously for 45 minutes straight.
what mother can nap through something that joyful?

to help me get through the morning,
B had a brilliant idea to have a scavenger hunt outside.

D crossed every single thing off that list and

K helped gather each item.

she waited patiently while D checked and double checked to make sure that all of the items were found. including something that had a picture of elmo on it.

i’m not sure i have ever seen this face before.
but it is fantastic.

peeking out of the hooter hider.

L improved last night which meant that we all got a little more sleep.
so, today.
today was much different.
today was much better.
and, today was st. patrick’s day.

we made shamrock prints with potatoes.
we learned all about how st. patrick witnessed about Jesus using a clover.

today, K was nearly pinched all day long for not wearing green. but you know what? she looks better in pink anyway.

we made green lemonade. and i of course regretted that decision nearly four minutes after i handed a cup diluted with water to D. boy, was he was hyper!

i just can’t imagine.
absolutely cannot imagine what i would do without my faith in Jesus.
my hope in Jesus.
i would be so alone and distraught and in control.
and i don’t want to be in control.
i am thankful that i am not in control.

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3 thoughts on “not in control.”

  1. praying for healing. missed k today in the 2 yr old class where I got to play this morning. ~E

  2. hil – love your post. thank you for sharing and i will be praying — i can only imagine the temptation to anxiety when the little monkey gets sick. xo

  3. yes, how can anyone be a Mommy without Jesus? I love your perspective and your faith. We're praying for you all.

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