the things that i have and have not been doing

as i tiptoe into summer.

i am living in this vaguely familiar world where i have four kids at home. i forget how many children that is until the summertime, when they are all within my grasp. this summer, we will all be together for a teeny tiny bit but i am soaking up every last drop. here are some things that i have not been doing and here are some things that i have been doing.

i have not been:
responding to text messages
staying calm
not overthinking every last drop of our days

keeping up with the laundry folding
rewriting my to do list beyond what is absolutely necessary in this exact moment
able to not break down and sob at every momentous first and last thing that tiptoeing into this summer holds
instilling fear in my daughter when she decided to push herself to a new level during her ballet performance (of course she nailed it)

i have been:
feeding lots of people
taking lots of photos
editing lots of photos
enjoying all of my kids being under one roof
leaving voice memos for my friends, reminding them that God sees and that God knows
and in doing so, reminding myself of the same

watching my youngest girl get fitted for another pair of pointe shoes with the most fabulous and knowledgeable woman
writing all the things on the grocery list that we are in dire need of

sneaking in the occasional reading of a book
praying for wisdom as to what to do next
figuring out all of the details of our unusual amount of upcoming travel
introducing Luke to cinnamon raisin bagels, which we have lovingly renamed as Christmas bagels which is a huge diversion from his typical plain bagel for breakfast that he has had every single morning for so many years upon years

enjoying him help me with an extra hand

reluctantly watching the birds make a nest out our kitchen window
doing loads and loads and loads of dishes

longing for my delicious cup of coffee in the morning (always)

a little date at one of our old favorite haunts (that has been around as long as we’ve been married)

going to the best concert (the paper kites) that i have ever gone to in my entire life with my husband who is always aware of those good things

playing dutch blitz and realizing that i am no longer better at this game than my children
laughing
laughing so very hard

harvesting lettuce for dinner from our hydroponic garden

lifting weights with my personal trainer
enjoying popcorn and pb and apples for dinner with Luke

making loaves and loaves and loaves of sourdough and baguettes
playing beat the clock (my favorite game in life) on every single drive
pausing just long enough to feel the breeze coming in through the kitchen window as i fill up the dog’s water
scheduling haircuts for nearly all of us by our in-home haircutter
getting a fabulous trim by him as well

organizing seashells and bobbleheads and ointments
dreaming about a little getaway with my family and desiring for it be as analog as possible
christening the new picnic table with my loves for a very late lunch from a new favorite sandwich place in town

looking for beauty because i know that it is there
in the midst of the overwhelm and the gray and the too muchness of this life
the too much heartbreak and too much joy and too much mess and too much beauty
so i watch
and i wait
and i click
and i wouldn’t have it any other way
above all else,
surrendering,
surrendering,
surrendering
when my grip gets too tight
to the One who holds it all
to the One who holds us all