i have something called acute angle closure and i had a procedure years ago where lasers pierced a hole through my irises and now the fluid flows freely, thus lessening the pressure in my eyes.

the two doctors who weighed in both agreed that they should aim the lasers in my eyes at 3 o’clock and 9 o’clock instead of 10 o’clock and 2 o’clock. i now understand they were assuming i spent my days under overhead fluorescent lights (like they do), and did not realize that i am a wife, mother and a photographer and that Lord willing, i will never (ever) spend the bulk of my days in a room where fluorescent light is my primary light source.

golden hour makes my heart go pitter-patter so now the glorious glow of the sun when it is low in the sky can pierce where the lasers previously pierced. each morning and evening.

a few months after the procedure, the sun shone in one of my eyes at just the right angle and i saw a rainbow. with my bare eyes. in my eyes. and now i see them each morning and evening.

a procedure that initially brought too much light into my eyes now brings me rainbows. maybe it is all rainbows and sunshine.

The LORD bless you and keep you;
the LORD make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you;
the LORD lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace.
Numbers 6:24-26

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not cutting my hand on the pill cutter, even though i should have
devouring the book before giving it to her
the orange, pink, red and now purple sky
being asked about his haircut
the little ratatat on the front door
songs that make you weep (paper kites)
the gift of creating my own itinerary template
the joy that i get looking for flights for others (google flights all the way, baby)
leaving the kitchen an absolute disaster
and only thinking about it twice
thinking of the grilled cheese sandwiches we will enjoy tonight
his great call
and a new travel opportunity
wrestling with God
Luke using his talker to ask about the present
and it only taking two nights for him to warm up to something new
his smile every time i remind him that i am the idiot
getting stronger (in lots of areas)
being hope-fueled
a totally normal MRI for my hip

(heads up… this post contains amazon affiliate links but nobody asked me to share any of this with you. i only share things that i actually use + love. for real)

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when the power goes back on (in this particular order):
1. wipe your tears of joy
2. run the disposal in the kitchen sink
3. start the dishwasher
4. start the washing machine
5. fill up the water bottles
6. preheat the oven to bake the sourdough for the ballet lunch
7. sit back and listen to the beautiful hum that has been quieted for too long
8. now, block out all the noise and focus on listening to the words that are bubbling up and out of your heart

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hearing church bells in the distance
feeling the happy tears roll down my cheeks in the parking lot after reading her response to my email
how a friend is going to get my talk to an amazing woman
who Luke wants to be for Halloween and what a crack-up that is
and how it is SO going to happen
waking Luke up right after he went to sleep to tell him that a special present is coming for him tomorrow
getting to see the dancing ballerinas from the car
being done and being so thrilled about that
talking about the book of Esther with the checker at tj’s
and running into an old friend in the parking lot
my hip not hurting yesterday (it’s been a thing)
how my hip pain being almost nonexistent in this exact moment
feeling the sun on my face through the clouds
finishing all of the exercises, except the one that i didn’t want to do before the gardeners arrived
my most precious oldest daughter’s 19th birthday
having a fairly good attitude while our power was out for 12 hours (all credit goes to God on that one)
the sky right now and all its glory (and how fleeting it is) and all His glory (and how lasting it is)
pulling the butternut squash out of the oven the moment before the timer went off
keeping cool
how God told me the only thing He wants me to control is my nail polish
how even the dust floating in the light holds tremendous beauty

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i have been in a heavy-hearted season. not just in my own life, but in the lives of those near (and far) and dear to me.

nearly every day, i wake up to a text from someone in my world, asking me to pray for them. i love talking with Jesus so i am grateful for the opportunity to storm heaven with any requests. i love crying out to the Lord and knowing that He hears. there has been a lot of hard stuff. a lot of mysterious stuff. a lot of confusion and so a lot of specific things to pray for. in both my life and in their lives.

and yet, sometimes my heart simply aches and breaks over how upside down this side of heaven is.

a few years ago, i had the joy of being able to share with the women of my church the proper way to lament, while we went through my dear friend Kristin Nave’s Bible study on Habakkuk. lament begins with crying out and leads to the simple words: “and yet” or “but God…”

just yesterday, i realized that i was doing a really good job at the first part of lament: crying out. but i was doing a horrible job at the second part of lament: remembering to Whom i was crying out to. which is actually the most important part.

you can listen to my talk here.

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how she felt great the whole drive
arriving at the castle at just the perfect time
nearly having everyone there
being invited to celebrate a great man
the warmest of evenings on the island
a great great surprise
and how my husband is so spontaneous
two one way flights
Luke’s regular lunch but at in-n-out
extra ice
our generator
and my man who sets it up when our power goes out
how God changed the course of the day completely
the laughing
always the laughing
having enough starter for three loaves
the slowest and most glorious of mornings
her “life is just dandy” playlist
and being reminded of her sister’s playlist names from long ago
Luke leaning his head on me ever so briefly at the dentist (which hasn’t happened since he was a baby)
that the dancing bougainvillea leaves on my driveway are not a rattlesnake (like there was the other night)
the delightful little ladybug who is continually greeting me as i do laundry
our dearest friends waving to her on the bus
and how she texted me to let me know
a real life cheerleader (for me)
feeling the excitement of them getting their surprise packages in the mail
letting Luke take a bath in my fabulous tub
how my popsicle matches my dress

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how the voice memos are breathing so much life into me right now.
stopping one of his medications because it is not doing anything (only four pills in the morning and three pills in the evening now!)
bonus time to do my hair
thanks to Bob, now having a photo idea floating around inside my mind
some complicated things becoming much simpler
the 41 unread text messages not making me want to cry and run away today
feeling that slight breeze from our open bedroom window
the view from under my hat
the large print book so i don’t need my reading glasses
the cool of the pool
and the shapes the slight breeze is dappling it with
a PT session that was more about the stretch
and how good that was
cornfields out the window
wondering if i should be productive or not. spoiler alert: i was
watching her calculate her ballet minutes for the month (2,850)
my little tanning spot
and soaking up the last of the summer sun
recharging my batteries
making order out of chaos, which is my to do list
a handful of shoots
my view when i come back from throwing out the trash
how delighted she was to be ding dong ditched
her new name tag and what that means
how she just swooped in and solved a problem
without being asked
blue soap illuminated by the kitchen counter lights
finding just what i was looking for in the clean laundry
how i absolutely adore taking care of him and there is nothing i would rather be doing than that
nothing in the whole wide world
how i discovered that when i take a shower at 4pm and put my face cream on, i am really just doing part of my bedtime routine because what is the point of putting makeup on at that hour?
there is no point

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i take a photo each and every day (and have been for 9 years now).
some days i forget until it is late.
some days, i am uninspired.
and some days the light hits whatever that subject might be,
just so,
like God is saying:

“hey darling, pay attention to this! pay attention to this never to be repeated moment!”

and as i press my finger down on the shutter button, the photo is preserved while simultaneously being ingrained in my mind as though i have a camera in there, too.

what a gift it is to be alive.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
James 1:17

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i had one million other things to do today, so i decided to create art instead.
no regrets.

things have been a little bit tough around here lately. but do you want to know what hasn’t been tough?
my heels.

because…
have i told you what i do
every
single
night?

right before i hop into bed, i wash my feet.
and it’s one of the most glorious, life-giving things i do for myself.

and i have the softest heels that i have ever and will ever have - because this is what i will do forever and ever.

here’s the recipe:
soak your feet for a bit or do the following right after you take a shower or a bath

• gently scrape your heel with a metal heel scraper (just a little each time)

• wash your feet with your favorite soap

• rinse off your feet

• dry off your feet

• cover your heels with the ordinary (glycolic acid)

• coat your feet with lotion

• sleep soundly, knowing how well you took care of yourself and everybody else today

• do this at least 3x a week

you’re welcome.

and when i use my favorite camera (all the live long day), one of my go-to lenses (which is absolutely magnificent) allows me to get within an inch of my subject.

(heads up… this post contains amazon affiliate links but nobody asked me to share any of this with you. i only share things that i actually use + love. for real)

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the wildest of prayers answered
the smoothest of heels!
my homemade iced coffee and reminding myself that this moment, too is a blessing
hearing the ballet music out the window and having it delight my soul to no end
having about four minutes to work on my talk and having God move the pen
driving with the music on
and the windows down
and not hear Luke yell “silence!”
finding a natural way to have eye drops moisturize my dry eyes without the eye drops: cry
weights in the rain
coffee outside in the sunshine
getting to the appointment early!
and school!
hearing “there is something else there” from a dear friend
the advil that worked for my horrible headache at 1am
his call today
big things but not very many on the to do list today
finally ordering her art plate
getting the test results back
how cool the mornings and evenings now are
seeing her in person
a photo of us
the sherbet sky
my pink nails with the blue plates and the green avocado
that the baby snake that snuck into and is still quite possibly in our garage is not a rattlesnake
taking it all in as i take out the trash
a new area in the house transformed into art
my flour drawer!
the best puppy there ever was
a restorative drive
an invitation to dwell richly and deeply with God
laughing, because i still see evidence of the muffin massacre

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that if i say that i need to do a couple of quick things, that i probably mean a couple hundred quick things.

that when i drink my coffee out of my favorite mug it will taste the best.

that i will never ever regret starting a new loaf of sourdough in the morning.

that if i don’t run the dishwasher just before it is fully and completely filled to the max, there will be overflow.

that when i pick my daughter up from school or ballet and she asks what i did while she was gone, that i will not know how to answer her other than i did the next best thing, and then the next best thing after that, and that i’m just aiming for neutral at the end of the day.

that people wearing too small of hats drives me bonkers.

that when it looks like it is going to rain, even in the summer in California, it is going to rain.

that having my husband train me to lift heavy is very wonderful and very exhausting.

and that i will be exhausted for the entire rest of the day.

that every time my oldest daughter texts me, she will be announcing some new fabulous thing that she signed up for like a mission trip or a white water rafting trip.

that a lot of my contact with my college-age kids is them texting me with photos of clothing items that need my stain removal wisdom.

and that i feel like a blessed woman and am filled up every single time that happens.

that no matter how grateful i am when it is all over and how many hours i had to babysit the adults at my insurance company, my youngest son will always, always prefer his beat up, too small old shoes and AFOs rather than the brand spanking new ones that i fought so hard to get.

that i have two choices: ruminate and overthink, or pray about it and surrender it to God Who is faithful and Who is love.

that if i let Luke be my boss and direct my every last step while i am in the kitchen, that he will feel heard and he will feel powerful.

and that i will get things done so much faster due to his quickly repeated “go, go, go, go, go.”

that cut flowers from our yard in tiny vases do more in my heart than store bought flowers any day.

that wanting to leave early to pick up my daughter at the end of her school day is very different than actually leaving early to pick up my daughter at the end of her school day.

that i like my water bottles to be washed every two days.

that if i ever see a cute European car, i can always, always convince myself that Mr. Bean is driving it.

and that he’s making a funny face.

that a breeze is always nice.

that to be let in on your friends’ greatest news and deepest sorrows is the ultimate gift of friendship.

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twenty-four years ago today, he asked me to marry him. and i didn’t say yes.

i said “of course!”

and this summer we were able to stay on the exact same beach on the exact same island as we did on our honeymoon.

it is so wild because if we had known then what we know now, would we have made it? would we have endured? would we have stopped to smell the roses and enjoy the warmth of the shining sun on our faces? would we have had those ten million laughs?

or would we have been looking under every rock, knowing without a doubt that cancer, brain abnormalities and a million tears were just around the corner?

would we have enjoyed the here and now? would we have enjoyed that moment? and that one? and this one?

would we have remembered the days where the sun was shining on the days when it was dark and stormy?

i think that this is why God doesn’t tell us what is to come. but He does help us once we’ve arrived in the mess. in the middle of it. in the brokenness. in the despair.

so you know what? i don’t care about what is going to happen tomorrow. because God does and He will be there. with me. with us.

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seriously not believing that this is my life
her text to me right now
finally hearing the song i’ve been searching for
getting a new striped dress on mega-sale
how Bob can always open the twisty tops
Luke’s immense love for churros (like his father)
starting a loaf of chocolate chip sourdough and having it hand-delivered very soon to my oldest boy
the dusting of flour left on the counter
and leaving it there
the washing machine doing its thing while i workout
making me feel like i am multitasking
her letting me brush her hair out this morning
how folding all the laundry has the power to make me not feel like i am wildly behind in my home duties anymore
getting a pre-workout stretch from reaching the dirty napkins that fell behind the washing machine
finding all of the clothes tucked behind the kids’ bathroom door
the new little laundry mesh bags
the bathroom counter being covered
the phone calls and the voice memos that he is receiving
having something happen that i was waiting quite a long time for
Bob fixing the water issue
and the kitchen sink issue
those quail babies
the cool morning breeze on my face
the absolute hilarity of what’s going on in our house right now
that she’s writing a book
that i did not step on the baby scorpion on our back patio with freshly (at home) pedicured feet
having tears when i received the email
choco-hoto pots with our youngest girl
being invited in to pray for the hard stuff
knowing what fills me up
and what doesn’t
witnessing the successes of the world turn meaningless

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well, well, well…

the summer is now over (according to the approximately one thousand emails i receive daily from my daughter’s middle school). i feel like it is now time to pause and stare up at the clouds and listen to the earth sing its beautiful song in my ears.

this summer was weird and wild.

our oldest was only home for a couple of weeks which made it weird (talk about parenting adult children). but every ounce with him was full and glorious.

the rest of the summer was wild. there was laughter and there were tears and there was travel (Bob and i even got to take a trip together for the first time in 12 years!). there was a month of a glorious ballet intensive and there were also lots and lots of homemade meals and about three bajillion dirty dishes.

we had many, many visitors and real big talks (with some shoe throwing in there) and nearly daily floating and splashing and popsicles in the pool. even though we averaged 2-3 doctors appointments each week, we soaked up every drop of daylight, (which made for really late nights) card games and scrumptious desserts.

and the biggest news of all?
this was the very first summer of
my entire motherhood
where i didn’t feel robbed at the end of it. i am still not sure why exactly that is, but my desire was to soak up every last drop and be so very present, knowing that no day is promised and even though my old life of having all four kids at home for the summer is long gone, i recognize that this new season is also fleeting. so instead of grieving what once was and will never be again, i was constantly so darn grateful for what actually was right in front of my very own eyes.
and that my friend, is a gift.
a gift of summer.

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it smells like peaches and toast in the summer.
and hope and coffee.
and an entire day laid out before you.
it smells like an exhale.
it smells like someone looking you in the eye when you are speaking.
it smells like love.
it smells like pink dishes and the promise of sunshine.
it smells like a blank page.
it smells like like a lovely pause.
and what a gift that i smell this and remember her, not only in june.

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Kristin Nave wrote this study through 40 Psalms which is a powerful, encouraging invitation to meet God right where you are. each study takes about 20 minutes, and yet you have the opportunity to go so deeply and be transformed by God’s Word.

this girl is the real deal, and she loves God and His Word fiercely. i have had the privilege of serving alongside her for nearly four years, and she spends more time in God’s Word than anyone i know. Kristin reminds us how trustworthy God is.

get your copy of the 20-Minute Psalms Bible Study!

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