i have something to share.
because i want to make sure that you
picture me {im}perfectly.


just like this bookshelf, 
i am a mess.

i have had a couple of rough weeks.
in fact, i have had more breakdowns
in the last few weeks than i have in a
long, long time.
and they have been the kind of breakdowns
that leave you tearful throughout the day
and given long enough to have 
only one thought 
running through your mind at one time, 
tears come flowing.
no matter if you are 
driving, 
at the grocery store, 
washing your face, 
changing a diaper, 
doing the dishes or 
reading a book to your children. 

i’ve been worn out.
really worn out.
like, 
“i can’t go on like this”
worn out.

when i have less sleep, 
i then feel 
vulnerable and 
anxious and 
not hungry and 
then this becomes a vicious cycle 
filled with
worry and 
fear and 
stress.

i know that a lot of it has been due to my lack of sleep.
but it’s also my weakness coming out.

we have had a couple of hard doctor’s appointments as of late and
i am usually able to translate what the doctors have to say about L 
into the hope and encouragement that God provides
but sometimes, 
particularly when i am worn down, 
it is hard for me.
i am just too tired to translate.
and so i dwell.
and i sink
and i get stuck
and then
i think about the future.

a few months ago, i heard an incredible sermon that addressed just this. 
the pastor said,
“doubt your doubts. 
be absolutely assured in His love.
because if we have despair, we see the end.”
which we don’t.
because we can’t.
and i praise God for that.
because none of us know what is going to happen.
at any given moment.
and that to me, 
is a wonderful, 
wonderful thing.

a friend recently said, 
that having children 
(special needs or not) 
is like having your heart outside of your body.
isn’t that a perfect description?
just perfect.

so when i think about the future, 
i get stuck in the specialists’ world 
instead of being firmly planted in my world 
of hope and joy in Christ.
the kind of joy that can only come from Him.

i am going through a grieving pricess.
again.
one that i haven’t gone through 
since hearing about L’s diagnosis
on day two of his birth.

but all of these feelings have stemmed from selfishness.
complete and total selfishness

i’m being 
stretched and 
challenged and 
changed by God.
and i am so grateful for that.
really, i am. 
and you know what else?
it’s not about me.
it’s about Him. 

the truth is, 
i am so grateful to God for all that we are going through.
truly.
though sometimes, 
when i consider what we are currently going through, 
i melt down.
my thoughts become so ovewrwhelming.
too overwhelming
to handle on my own.
and that’s because 
me,
alone
is not His intended purpose.
i can’t do this.
not on my own.
it’s just not possible.
but with Jesus by my side, 
i know that i can handle whatever is thrown at me 
(literally and figuratively)
and glorify Him in the process.

i want Him to be my everything.

pour out your heart to God. 
trust Him today. 
He shows His promise and His truth. 
(i think Charles Wesley said that)

We put no stumbling block in anyone’s path, 
so that our ministry will not be discredited. 
Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way:
in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses;
in beatings, imprisonments and riots;
in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger;
in purity, understanding, patience and kindness;
in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love;
in truthful speech and in the power of God;
with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left;
through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report;
genuine, yet regarded as impostors;
known, yet regarded as unknown;
dying, and yet we live on;
beaten, and yet not killed;
sorrowful, yet always rejoicing;
poor, yet making many rich;
having nothing, and yet possessing everything.
2 Corinthians 6:3-10

picture me {im}perfectly

is a weekly project to reveal that we don’t have it all together.

i will post a 
picture me {im}perfectly
blog post every wednesday 
where you will be able to link up to your blog
(or leave a comment)
until the following tuesday.
revealing that:

you are not picture perfect,
your kids are not picture perfect,
your house is not picture perfect,
your crafts are not always picture perfect,

let’s 
encourage, 
inspire and 
remind 
other women 
that none of us have it all together.  

add my button to your blog post
and link up to your direct posting
and feel encouraged.

696. L (finally) sleeping enough during the day (thanks to my parents)
697. B, who completely, utterly and totally gets me
698. the moon shine
699. B’s bedtime story for the bigs every single night
700. being comforted by Scripture in the middle of the night

 

11 Responses to picture me {im}perfectly.

  1. Anne Eurose Abris says:

    "Doubt our doubts"…I love that. Through our weaknesses, God shines through. You are truly an inspiration.

  2. Tara says:

    Heather at Blessed Little Nest told me about your perfectly {im}perfect posts. i love it! i love your post … especially the part about 'doubting our doubts'. and i love your blog! thanks for the reminder that none of us have it all together. 🙂

  3. Jackie says:

    OH.. beautifully written Hillary. I had no idea you were struggling so much. Please, please let others help you through this. I hope you are. That scripture was so amazing and fits so much of what you're processing. I'm so sorry that you're in this hard place. Have I told you about "Streams In The Desert". It's a daily devotional that has transformed my thinking about the hard times. Not that you need one more thing to do, but if you're able you should look into it.

  4. Heather at Blessed Little Nest says:

    you are not alone! i'm a mess too!!
    i know the breakdowns you mentioned. i've fought to hold back tears in the grocery store or the gas station more time then i can count. i too am so grateful that Jesus stands beside me, arms wrapped around me so that i can seek His comfort at any given moment…if only my mind would remember that in my moments of weakness! i hope you get a break today, if even for a few moments, so your tank can begin to refill and your mind can rest.
    xoxo-heather

  5. mel @ the larson lingo says:

    Raises hand, I am a mess!!! Count me in! I am so participating in this next week!
    I LOVE this post, absolutely love it.
    Thanks for sharing your heart!
    I just found your blog & am your newest follower. Cant wait to read more…..

  6. Lisa, An American Mom says:

    I'm sorry Hill. This must be so tough for you. It sounds like the non-sleeping thing is exacerbating your worries and fears. Is it possible to get a sitter during the day to help you out now and again? Even for an hour here or there. I'm looking into this myself as a little sanity saver.

    You're not alone…

  7. Katherine Wolf says:

    What a beautiful post. Yes, He IS enough. He is always enough. I know a thing myself about those terrible prognosis. God is the only true doctor anyway. God bless you, sweet Hill!

  8. Kristine says:

    You are such a strong mama! Think of everything you've been thru and in the end still be glad!! You are an inspiration. Thank you for your post!

  9. black tag diaries says:

    great post. thank you for sharing… your vulnerability and honesty is refreshing out here in blogland.

  10. TDM Wendy says:

    Love this. I just linked up and added your button to my older post – Dirty Minivan Competition. I think it is fitting. No matter how hard I try . . . I cannot keep my ride clean.

  11. Julie says:

    This is a beautiful post and exactly what I needed. I'm tired-so, so tired…it's been a rough week. Thank you for posting. I can't say I'm grateful to God yet for everything we're going through (I'm working on it), but I am glad HE is control.

    Thanks again (I linked here from the religion discussion on BC). 😉

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