i got to go out of the house all by myself. i was giddy all morning. so what if this little break included a visit to the dermatologist. i’ll take anything that i can get on day fifty seven.
but, as i walked down the street to the doc’s office, i realized that the last time i was walking on that street was when little L was in the hospital. today, i could see the PICU window safely from the street below. during those horrible days, my parents would bring D and K for me to visit for twenty minutes outside while they would go inside to see L. it was always so good to see the big kids and i really tried to be the same old mommy to them but i knew that they could surely see right through my exhausted and weak attempts. they know me almost more than anyone knows me. besides B and of course, God.
Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered.
i loved being with them. their little bodies, free of worry. it was so refreshing to breathe that in. but every ounce of me longed to be with my precious little baby. my sick and helpless little baby. i never wanted to leave his side. not even for a few moments. i felt so torn to be the mom that the big kids so desperately wanted but to also be the protector of my little L. all at the exact same time.
this walk brought back so many sharp memories. too many. the things i haven’t thought about in the light of day. the things that i haven’t allowed myself to think about in the light of day. the thoughts i’ve safely shoved way down deep. the thoughts that only creep up as i fall asleep
thoughts of the PICU and of the NICU.
but even though we’re all safe and sound when those feeling bubble up, they are still rock hard and feel like they were happening just yesterday. those countless days, hours, minutes and seconds that were endless. life stood completely and totally
s t i l l.
God has been faithful throughout all of it. every painful breath.
His love and comfort has been unending.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD,
“plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future.”
and that is what we must rest in. that is what we must cling to.
we must cling to Him with every ounce
of our strengths and will all of our weaknesses.
But he said to me,
“My grace is sufficient for you,
for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses,
so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
2 Corinthians 12:9
after the appointment, as i walked back down the street,
i relished in how life is so much brighter now.
i treated myself to a delicious lunch at a cute little cafe.
they even served watermelon juice. of course, i just had lemonade because i am not a risk taker. but, i thought about the watermelon.
i really did consider it.
and, i got a sassy new haircut. my dear friend’s blog just talked about how even a haircut is good for the soul.
“Arise, shine, for your light has come,
and the glory of the Lord rises upon you.”